“Why Do People Cheat?” #RoundTable Discussion

No, it’s not the follow up to Tyler Perry’s over the top “Why Did I Get Married?” franchise, it’s a revolution.  Well, that is if revolutions can be tweeted because Lord knows they won’t be televised.

In this bizarre ‘Think Like a Man’ era, have you ever pondered, “Why can’t I just think like a woman?  I mean, ‘Ain’t I a Woman?’” (Know your history: Shoutout to Sojourner Truth) or have you caught yourself wondering just how realistic the famed “90-day rule” really is to the average male walking the street?  If so, I suggest you check out Charlotte’s newest, most talked about event, the #RoundTableDiscussion, the burgeoning brainchild of Charlotte’s own Shanard @DaBestDressed Smith. 

The purpose of the series is to provide a forum for hip and local, open-minded and thoughtful African-American professionals in the greater Charlotte, NC area, to share and discuss where we are as men and women in our love-creating/making and ultimately where we need to be.   And so far with storied topics like “Dating the Independent Woman” and “Computer Love,” that read like chapters from your own dating memoir, these sessions are bound the keep the wine flowing and conversation going well beyond the allotted two hours.

Last week, I attended “Why Do People Cheat?” the 5th installment of the series at the Blue Fin restaurant in Columbia, SC., and what followed was a no holds barred discussion spirited enough to give Steve Harvey motivation for another two books.  At first, the conversation was laid back as personalities settled in, but after 20 minutes or so, all gloves were off.    

Of the 27 late twenties-to-thirty-somethings in attendance, most agreed that even though men and women cheat differently, “cheating,” generally speaking, is basically “anything you wouldn’t want to do in front of your mate.”  And after we ironed out just why men and women cheat, be it status, money, or emotional support, the conversation veered into an unexpected topic: “side pieces” and the Kim Zolciak of RHOA/Alicia Keys’ phenomenon aka dating married persons.

At one point when the guys were asked to raise their hands if they wouldn’t mind being a woman’s “side piece” (one of her several lovers), almost every male hand went up in the room.  Other the other hand, when the same question was posed to the women, none of them claimed that they would ever accept such an arrangement.  Though oddly enough, minutes later when asked if any had ever dated a guy that was married, several ladies raised their hand, eliciting the response, “Then you’ve been a side piece!” from the men.  One woman even shared, in a story more than ready for VH1, that while she was ‘the other woman‘ she received even better treatment than the wife, and from time to time would buy clothes for the wife as she bought items for herself with the husband’s money.      

Overall, it was a great event; and in true Fresh Prince fashion, most “folks came looking real fine, fresh from the barbershop and fly from the beauty salon.”  And despite several disagreements, everyone stayed professional and no one got personal with each other; which is pretty hard to do when dealing with grown people and matters of the heart. 

By the time I hit the door, I learned that when men cheat, its normally just a “power play,” and rarely a reflection of the lady or lack thereof he is dating.  As for the women, I heard that cheating is often done when seeking refuge from a deteriorating predicament. 

So is the ‘War of the Roses’ over?  Far from it.  But with people like Shanard @DaBestDressed Smith and his team at the helm maybe we can at least begin to put down our arms and start to pick each other up instead. 

Memorable quotes of the night: “MLK and Kunta Kinte cheated” (Yes, someone actually said this) and “Is watching porn and sex toys considered cheating?”

Wanna find out?  I’ll see you at the next #RoundTableDiscussion.  

Follow me at @hesgot2haveit

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My Beautiful Dark Twisted “Perfect B*tch”

 

“Ix-nay off my dicksnay, that’s pig latin itch-bay” – Kanye West

IN case you haven’t been keeping up with the Kanyes or the Kardashians, you may have missed the recent media kerfuffle over Kanye’s latest track “Perfect B%tch,” or B-I-C-T-H for all those Mama Dee impaired.  The unreleased track, unveiled recently at a rooftop listening party in NYC, details the artist’s past relationship with Amber Rose and adoration for current girlfriend Kim K., the uncontested “Michael” of the Kardashian clan.

                                                                                                                          

West, not known for his modesty, arrived at the party around 1:30am with actor Leonardo DiCaprio as his plus “1” (which is more random than Tony Parker ringside at the Chris Brown v. Drake bout, but this is Kanye, right?), and was said to have immediately taken to the dj booth to treat the crowd that included singer Maxwell to a few tracks from his upcoming G.O.O.D. Music compilation titled Cruel Summer.  In no time, he shut the party down and was done by 3am.  The crowd (and Leo) loved it, of course; and Maxwell, true to his craft, I suspect, went home to sing to himself in a cramped bathtub filled with bubbles or something. (I’m sorry, but I always thought that video was weird.  I’ll try to let it go.)

Surprisingly, despite the chorus of applause that night, the song that NO ONE has heard has gotten more than an earful of media scrutiny for its use of the B-word, and has even earned West the title of misogynist from some circles.  All the while, Kim, the object of his lyrical affections, has been said to have told friends that she is “honored” by the reference; adding, “I know he doesn’t mean it in a negative way when he says the word ‘bitch.’”

Now before you start “SMH”-ing, mumbling under your breath that you bet “he wouldn’t have called his mama that name” and go digging for your pitchfork chanting “off with his head” and other such scary mob townspeople jingles, I beg you to please consider a few things:

1)     Though the use of the word was unnecessary, and understandably will never be featured in a Hallmark Valentine’s Day card, has the b-word not entered that disconcerting but oddly hip, double-meaning limbo world where the n-word currently resides? 

2)    And, if you are upset, are you upset just that the word was used, or that it was used by a male?

In the Root article “Is Misogyny the New ‘I Love You’?, the author highlights several instances of so-called misogyny (which for some reason includes ABC’s The Bachelor) in the media and how she feels women are under attack.  Also, through subtle wording, she seems to almost wrap her arms around Kardashian to protect her from any pain and embarrassment experienced at the hands of her hip hop perpetrator.  Only thing, she wasn’t bothered by the incident and she is not alone.

Remember when rappers like Snoop Dogg Lion and Jay-Z used to be singled out as sexists for lyrics like “B*tches ain’t sh*t but…” and “Is that Yo B*tch?,” and women used to shrug it off in the club claiming, “He ain’t talking about me!” as they danced the night away?  Well, in 2012, after the music world has endured the likes of the self-proclaimed Queen B#tch, Baddest B%tch, and Barbie B*tch who have all worn the word as some sort of golden, feminine “S” across their chest, has the precedent not been set for Kanye’s Perfect B*tch?  And with females proudly wearing custom T-shirts in droves with catchy phrases like, “I am not a B%tch, I am the B#tch!” and “B!tches get things done,” can we at least admit the word has evolved on some levels?  Or are they all misogynists? 

Or could it be that the real uproar over the song was that the word was used by a guy?  Maybe for ladies it feels strikingly similar to the way my ears may react to a white person using the N-word?  Then again, you may recall when actress Gwyneth Paltrow recently tweeted the N-word while attending Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne concert, but shortly after was given a pass due to the context. 

So is there EVER a contextual pass for a man to use the B-word toward a woman?  Or do the linguistic loopholes that exist for the N-word not exist for the B-word?  And does its use automatically make one a misogynist?

These questions will undoubtedly keep the conversation flowing, but I do know that no matter how we feel about it, our words do have power and no actress or possible remix with Jigga is going to change that.  But for the fellas, if in the near future you find yourself tempted to use the B-word.  DON’T!  Well, on second thought, for some reason maybe you can if you have an album coming out.  There’s your loophole.   

Follow me on twitter @hesgot2haveit

 

 

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MUST-SEE Web Series: HOWTON U., the New H-U!

Tired of what passes for black programming today?  Do you long for the golden days of the Cosby era like I do?  Well, your comedy prayers have been answered.

Welcome Howton U., the hilarious and hip, new web series from L.A. – based writer and creator, Ashford J. Thomas.    

Think, a contemporary Martin or Fresh Prince of Bel-Air meets A Different World.  That’s what came to mind after viewing episode one, “Mission Difficult” of the entertaining web series.    

Based at a fictitious Historically Black College and University (HBCU), for HBCU grads, Howton U. is like taking a trip down memory lane, except better punchlines; and if you’re not a HBCU grad you’ll wonder why.

With satirical scenarios and the occasional hip hop/pop culture reference, Howton U. follows the modern day tales and travails of Jay, Taylor and Alex, three guys on the verge of getting “grown” during that awkward freshman year of college we all wished we could have skipped.

When asked about the name of the series, Mr. Thomas explained that it is a play on the names of Hampton University and his alma mater, Howard University.

After a few teasers, the first episode tries to answer that age old college question: Just how hard is it to get inside a girl’s college dorm.

Watch the first 3-part episode to find out.

*Want more Howton U.?  The cast is trying to raise money to keep the show going.  Email Ashford at ashfordjt06@gmail.com for more information. SUPPORT!* 

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Of Mermaids and the Meagan Good Myth

“Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong, Lochness

 Goblin, Ghoul, a zombie with no conscience  

 question what do all these things have in common…”  -Jay-Z  

So what do singing mermaids and Meagan Good all have in common?  Well, it’s definitely not a hair relaxer.

A couple months ago, a lot of what purports to be the Black blogosphere, was all in a tizzy over the “story” that wasn’t really a story: the pre-marital sexual fasting of Meagan Good, but why?

Were we supposed to be happy that the Hollywood starlet who once considered, the nine years her junior, Soulja Boy, (yes, I said S-O-U-L-J-A Boy, and not “man” mind you) boyfriend material was now on her merry way to the alter with a guy who actually resembled a human being and not Rin and Tin, the Hip Hop Dalmations from the movie Brown Sugar?  Nope.

Remember this gem?

                                                                                

Or was it because the former veteran video vixen and Think Like a Man star, that once dated 50, er, claimed she turned to the G-Unit star for help to get over a break up, was now turning to a brother from the J-J-J J-Unit!(that’s Jesus, for all you heathens) for matters of the heart?  Wrong.  Again.

Apparently, the premise of the “story” that seemed to keep bloggers incessantly foaming at the fingers for over two months, was the fact that after 30 years of dating, the woman who single-handedly patented the art of eyebrow seduction, had somehow managed to find a man willing to wait a year till he was married to her to have sex.  Oh, did I mention he’s BLACK!  OMG!!!

**NEWS FLASH**

THIS JUST IN… Apparently, in the real life version of the BET show “The Game,” (gold chains and groupies sold separately) a person may have a modest to great difficulty finding someone willing to wait till marriage. Did someone say, “Duh?”

In a recent interview with Life & Style Magazine, the newly minted Mrs. Franklin had specific dating advice for all women: “DON’T SETTLE.”  Also, she claimed that she knew the Seventh Day Adventist minister and Sony Pictures executive was to be her husband because “he was willing to be celibate” for a year.  Really?

In the words of the Wu Tang Clan, “Can it be that it was all so simple?”

“Could it be,” Jaheim was wrong all this time?  Was it never my chromed out whip, as he once told us?  Could it be that we, the black men of the greater North American Continent, have been hoodwinked, bamboozled and led astray by the Biker Boyz star?

Is she saying that, unlike Gabrielle Union, all along while we thought we needed to be down with the “team” of teams to catch her eye, we really should have been down with the king of kings?  And, is it possible that when we thought it was essential to, at the very least, own a range rover like her to get her to come right over, we actually could have just been a holy roller?  Hmm…  Nah, I didn’t think so either; and thus, the myth.

In ancient times, stories of mythical creatures like Mermaids had the profound effect of arousing the public with feelings of enchantment and love much like that depicted in the 1984 movie Splash with Tom Hanks.  Today, the Meagan Good “story” attempts to accomplish the same thing—by diverting our attention for the sake of a few stomach butterflies.

                                                                                   

For women, it provides the illusion that the average woman walking the street not only has the same dating dilemmas as a Hollywood celebrity, but the same dating opportunities to correct them.  And for the men, it provides the grand deception that you somehow had a shot at finding out “what’s really good?” with Ms. Good.  We didn’t.

On the outside, the story of their nuptials reads like a Mahogany Hallmark card from your local drugstore.  However, on the inside it’s just another episode of Millionaire Matchmaker.  Check your local listings.  Though, Devon Franklin, to his credit, might be a decent dude, he certainly isn’t the average bible toting brother sitting across from you in bible study.

With a net worth in the ballpark of 10 million, similar to all her past playmates, let’s be honest—his faith wasn’t the satisfying main entrée she claims, but the delightful “icing on the cake” sugar crystals added atop the crème brulee for the doggy bag.

Like many of you, I personally think it’s great that any couple makes their faith and their spiritual relationship with God a priority as they go forth and commit to one another.

But if I hear any women lauding Meagan Good as some sort of dating muse, promising to never “settle” till they find their own handpicked Joe Millionaire, I just hope they realize that usually the tales that make for good online fodder are better off left as myths or 80s movies, and not actual real life.  I mean, I’m no longer holding out for Tatyana Ali.

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Congrats to 2012 Two-Time Gold Olympian, Ms. Gabrielle Douglas!!!! The New Mary Lou

 If this image does not deserve a place on the front of the Wheaties box, then I simply don’t know what does.

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Why Do Black Men Date Outside Their Race? Hmm…

 DID you know that when the average black man thinks of prominent black male interracial daters, he probably only thinks of the following people: O.J. Simpson, Tiger Woods, Michael Jackson, Ice T, Taye Diggs, Kobe, and possibly Kanye West.  Well, that is of course, if you consider Armenian to be greater than or equal to Caucasian.

However, if you were to ask a black woman who comes to mind when she thinks of prominent black male interracial daters, she may mention all of the following: the entire NBA and NFL, any brother with more than one degree, every black man to put a rap album out in the past 20 or some odd years with the exception of Jay-Z and the members of the Roots band, oh, and DEFINITELY, Kanye West.

With perceptions of what black men are doing and not doing existing almost in separate worlds between the two genders, it’s no wonder the answer to “why” they are doing what they are doing has never been fully understood.

Well, hopefully until now…

There are two main reasons black men date outside their race.  The first is simple (and one you’ve probably heard more than a million and one times) and the other more layered and complex.

First, it’s because most men have a Neil Armstrong complex.  Most of us are natural hunters and undercover conquerors.  We derive our manhood mostly from planting our flag and metaphorically “going where no man has gone before;” and aside from a few preferences in weight and ashiness, we all have an innate curiosity (keyword curiosity, and not certainty) to experience almost any and every race, shape, and age of woman 18 and above before we die.

Now before you bite your lip and start to curse under your breath that you’ve known all along that no man could ever be faithful, let me remind you of one thing.  This potentially philandering complex we have as men, is actually just the flip side of what most women covet above most other qualities in a man.  This “Indiana Jones Instinct” to uncover treasures in new worlds and undiscovered lands both black and non-black, is the siamese twin of a man’s “ambition.”  You simply can’t expect a man to have the audacity of Obama, swag of Diddy, and self-assurance of Yeezy, but then expect none of that drive and determination to spill over into the other parts of his life in some way.

The second and more layered reason, is that all black men have a deep and uncontrollable urge held over from slavery to taste the virtuous flower that is the white woman.  Umm… I hope you didn’t believe that.  But if you “Google” some female bloggers on this topic, you may run across diagnoses such as this being perpetrated as factual knowledge.  It’s not only untrue, but severely damaging to gender relations to let things like this circulate uncontested.

Now the more honest reason is because for some black men its really all they’ve ever known.  They’ve been the minority of the minority mostly all their lives, going to schools and living in exclusive neighborhoods with so few people of color that even the Asian men were asked to join the football team.  Frankly, they don’t hate black women, but due to their socioeconomic upbringing the only black women they ever really became familiar with or had regular contact with shared their last name.  And honestly, if a brother refers to himself as “Cablinasian” rather than Black, it should tell you right there that the real issue is really more so one of confusion than any disregard for black women.

For others, more often than not (especially, the more professional ones) they just don’t always have the best track records with black women, nor do they always feel themselves to be the preferred type of black man (that being the more thuggish-looking with a benz or 6’3+ and NBA bound).  Whereas in other cases, guys may feel that there is more acceptance and peace that is more easily achieved with women of other races.  You know how it’s illegal to yell “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater?  Well, try yelling “SUBMISSIVE!” in a room full of black females.  To men, an inner peace in a woman is almost as important as that initial attraction.  And in a moment in time where the general public has been fed a steady stream of TV shows displaying grown, (and sometimes well educated) black women screaming, pulling hair, cursing, and fighting to no end among other things that would easily cause any black man to be arrested on the spot, it definitely doesn’t help change what many brothers have been thinking for years.

So do men typically like their women smaller?  Yes.  It helps a woman look more feminine in our eyes.  Do we like women with longer hair more times than not?  Yes, again.  It makes a woman appear more youthful.  But overall, though we may date women of other races to see what’s out there, a lot of times we only settle down with those ladies (black or whoever) who will let us be ourselves and can let their hair down and maybe even be spontaneous enough to get it wet without reenacting a scene from a Basketball Wives season reunion.

So if after all this, you still find yourself hopelessly clamoring for those guys with twitter handles that read @I_AM_(fill in the blank) like Diddy, don’t forget– though he had kids with Kim Porter, he almost married J.Lo.  And if you somehow still believe that a big “Ego” like Kanye is the true mark of a “real” man, like the kind Beyonce once bellowed about, then hopefully you’ll think twice and remember–regardless if you believe Kim K. to be white or not, she definitely ain’t black.

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